![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 13
[ It's after her conversation with Jason that Elizabeth... can't sleep. Like a gnawing bite at her flesh, it devours her. She feels herself slipping - she feels a weight on her that she's never felt. It.. hurts. All of this hurts.
For the first time in weeks, Elizabeth feels alone. This is somehow... just as bad as when she sat alone in the make-shift medbay after her revival. It's no secret that Elizabeth wishes she died and paid for her sins of killing Light and Hancock. She was coming to terms that it was a creature - not her - that inflicted this pain.
She was getting better. People didn't view her as a monster but -
now? That's a distant memory. Elizabeth feels trapped, she feels that she bares the responsibility of keeping Luke, Yuno and Jason alive. After arriving in the graveyard, she failed to help Rhys - she failed so badly and blames herself. When Jack arrived, she never forgave him - she allowed him to repent and hoped he could see his own salvation. Now with the two together... she's growing uncomfortable. There's a moral duty she takes on, but it's chipping away at her fragile state. She wears a smile like a sundress but her confidence has faulted after conversing with the survivors of the alien possession and the two Hyperions.
...She was alone, wasn't she? No one knew what she felt like, no one can relate to 1900s female oppression being trapped her entire life. She rambles on, putting her trust so blindly into her "friends" because... she has no one else.
And once again, she falls victim to that.
Luke gets a text message soon. ]
I don't want to be here anymore.
For the first time in weeks, Elizabeth feels alone. This is somehow... just as bad as when she sat alone in the make-shift medbay after her revival. It's no secret that Elizabeth wishes she died and paid for her sins of killing Light and Hancock. She was coming to terms that it was a creature - not her - that inflicted this pain.
She was getting better. People didn't view her as a monster but -
now? That's a distant memory. Elizabeth feels trapped, she feels that she bares the responsibility of keeping Luke, Yuno and Jason alive. After arriving in the graveyard, she failed to help Rhys - she failed so badly and blames herself. When Jack arrived, she never forgave him - she allowed him to repent and hoped he could see his own salvation. Now with the two together... she's growing uncomfortable. There's a moral duty she takes on, but it's chipping away at her fragile state. She wears a smile like a sundress but her confidence has faulted after conversing with the survivors of the alien possession and the two Hyperions.
...She was alone, wasn't she? No one knew what she felt like, no one can relate to 1900s female oppression being trapped her entire life. She rambles on, putting her trust so blindly into her "friends" because... she has no one else.
And once again, she falls victim to that.
Luke gets a text message soon. ]
I don't want to be here anymore.
no subject
Need to, or want to? There's a difference and you and I both know that. So which is it?
no subject
I shouldn't have ever left.
If I stayed home, I wouldn't be here.
Booker wouldn't be ... dead.
I wouldn't know him, actually, and his life would be a hell of a lot easier.
...
I keep ending up alone, Luke. I keep ending up in a cage. I should have just stayed in my cage.
no subject
[He knows that isn't the point and he's realizing that he has to handle this carefully. So there are a few moments he lets the conversation hang.]
Elizabeth. I hate to tell you this, but I very much doubt that Booker's life would be any easier if you weren't in it. That's the thing about fate that I keep telling you about. I think about what would have happened if I didn't follow my own path. All it means is that someone else would have. People…are complicated that way, I think.
Why do you regret leaving your cage? [Maybe it isn't regret, but he wants to see what she says.]
no subject
[ :) Canon References For the Win.
She tries to dissect his words, understand his viewpoints but it's hard. They've agreed on a lot but also... had some friendly debates. This was hard for her to talk about. For the most part, since she talked with Luke after her revival, she ... just wanted to do good. To selfishly destroy those creatures, yes, but to help them. Everything had domino'd so quickly that she feels sick just typing it. ]
I was just a bartering chip to him, Luke. I knew the man for such a short amount of time... and... he was a means to an end. A way to get me to Paris. I talk on and on about how Booker means so much to me but... he was ready to turn me over to God only knows who to fulfill his debt.
...
I don't know what fate wanted of me, but if it's this...? I... I'm not strong enough for this. Not strong enough for any of you.
[ It takes her around 5 minutes to reply about the cage. ]
Because I knew everything was out of reach. I couldn't touch it. I couldn't experience it... only for it to be taken from me.
I wish I would have stayed in my cradle, at the very least... I wouldn't have remembered anything - none of this.
no subject
[He can't let this be too serious. He can't, it'll destroy them, and he needs to stay on his toes to try and navigate this. (Also Elizabeth deserves a puppy? Honestly.)
Still. He reads everything and part of him knows this story. It doesn't get easier to read or hear the more it's repeated either, but he knows.]
…I think I get that a little more than you'd think. Kronos was sort of a means to an end, too. I wanted to change things. I wanted to tear Olympus down brick by brick and start over because the gods didn't deserve it. I was too stupid to realize back then that I was expendable.
Sucks, doesn't it? And yet we still put faith in these people…why? Personally I think in cases like these it's not so much about being used or using people. It's about being clever, and even if you're not strong enough for whatever fate's thrown at you, you've been incredibly clever.
And don't insult me like that. I'll judge if you're strong enough for me at least. You think I was strong enough to handle the prophecy? I've never been so weak and so scared in my life. Fate never picks people because they're strong. Fate picks people because it knows better than we do. Fate is having someone decide you're going to do it whether you want to or not. FAITH, on the other hand, is believing that you can continue on and take everything fate throws at you. I used to think faith was a joke but…maybe you really do need both. Where did yours go? Your faith. Where is it now?
As for your cradle…is that what you were talking about to me and Jason? That's what you left behind?
no subject
...I don't know. Faith was all I had. The Bible was the first book Songbird brought to me. Do you know how many times I re-read it? The words and teachings... the lessons and the cautionary tales so vividly portrayed. Being a good person, doing good by His word would earn you heaven. I died and this is far from heaven, what does that say? I'm sorry - I just...
... Yes. It was the only way to reach you and the others. I didn't remember anything at all about this - I was in Paris. It seems really silly now. There's no romanticism with putting the city on a pedestal as if it was some salvation. But, I remember dancing... I remember so vividly being happy. I had to give it up.
no subject
Ha. Hahahaha. So it worked...I'm glad to know that. Elizabeth, I know you may not know this but...Hermes is my father. Hermes is the god of travels, merchants, thieves and liars. I move places and find value in everything worthy, take it for myself and pretend I'm not suffering for it. That's the best that I can do. At least you have a solid destination. Mine is currently just "forward."
It says that the written word is just that. It's written word. People change stories all the time. Stories about the gods back home change the longer they're passed down. As for the bible...I think that's more like fables. "Here's a lesson you could learn from but there's no proof this really happened." Not to totally discount that, but you also didn't die because you're a bad person. You died because this fucking ship allowed it. And anyway, haven't you ever thought that there are multiple ways to interpret "good"? I'm the furthest thing from a hero possible back home and they still told me I'd go to Elysium. I still don't know if I believe it.
I...didn't realize that's what happened. [There's a considerable pause.] Can't we get that back? Why can't we rebuild your cradle or something? I still don't understand why you guys had to break out entirely.
no subject
I don't think I died because I'm a bad person. There's trials I've faced, but ultimately there's nothing else I could have done differently. It just... I have doubt.
For what its worth, I think you could end up in your heaven. You've come so far :)
[ Even when she's depressed, she cares about others - that's... that's the problem. ]
I don't know if I want it. It's an illusion. The lesson Perkins wanted us to learn, in my opinion, was sacrifice. We all sacrificed our cradles. She didn't blame us if we stayed, but... you needed help. I can't live with myself being blissfully unaware of how we let you down.
no subject
I appreciate the sentiment, Liz, but at the same time I have doubt, too. Doubt's a weird thing isn't it? You sometimes think "what if I'd made this choice instead of that one" but the outcome remains the same. That's how fate works. Fate instills doubt, faith covers that doubt for a little while. It's a very vicious cycle but maybe a balance can be found someday.
I think that's funny if only because it sounds like Perkins didn't take into account that some of us have already learned about sacrifice the hard way. It's a shitty lesson. I hate that lesson. Why tempt someone with something so great and then force them to ditch it? ...but I don't know if I'll stop being grateful for something like that, so thank you.
But what can we do for you now?
no subject
I don't know.
I thought I wanted to be around people. I romanticized being able to ... for once... not be alone. But, I still feel alone. I'm trapped here. I had faith I could help everyone.
It's funny. I could do so much in my world... they coveted me like a trophy. They studied me like a freak of nature. Maybe in some sick way I like that they needed me. I wanted nothing more than to be normal and deal with all the mundane factions of life.
...I don't think I want that anymore. I just want to go back to my tower.
no subject
But even then...you don't think that going back to your tower would mean still remembering the little bit of freedom that you had? That's the other trouble with being mortal, I think. Though I guess even immortals experience this, too. You're still slammed with memories so even if you retreat to your tower you'd remember everything, wouldn't you?
We're all trapped. But what makes you think you haven't helped or that you won't help in the future?
no subject
....
Yes. I would.
I'd most likely remember you, Jason... I'll remember everything from the Pygmalion but I can begin to heal. Move on. Return to what I do know: four walls.
I think you may understand me, not like Adelina - but when you have power. Real power and the ability to use it, it's tempting. You know best what you're capable of. I've been thinking about it a lot...
...I don't even fit in with those who were hosts for the creatures, Luke. We spoke and there was this... anger I can't latch onto. Guilt, I could. Dave, Adrien, Rhys - ... they feel alone and I couldn't help them. I know every gut-wrenching feeling they had, but I was still the outsider.
That hurt, I guess? Knowing that just being here - being alive and being comforted... I hurt someone else.
Clover was the first, but now these boys... I just would like to rest.
[ Yes, now she just was 2 sleep ]
no subject
Would it really be so bad to remember me and Jason? Remember that people care about you? I'm all for healing and moving on but it's never that easy. Take it from someone who got a three-month expansion on his life. If we ever get to the Nuwa...I'll get to see Annabeth again and the thought both excites and terrifies me. She was the last person I saw before I died. How can you move on if you're stationary behind four walls with just your thoughts for company?
I understand that part, of course. ...can't remember if I've told you this, but I have the option of trying for rebirth when I get home. Reincarnation. I can be reborn as somebody else and I wouldn't have any of my memories anymore. I wouldn't know who Luke Castellan is and I wouldn't have to put up with all of the bad things from my life. But...I think I'm choosing a different route after all. There are other ways, you know?
I think you're capable of being angry, but it's a different kind of anger than those guys probably have. Are you trying to tell me that they guilted you for having people to support you?
[He pauses here because...okay he was a shit and was absolutely jealous of Percy for having a support system and that was part of what fueled him to want to kill the kid, but uh. This is clearly different.]
That better not be what you're saying, Elizabeth. What happened? What did they say?
no subject
..I don't know a lot of things.
I hope you see Annabeth again. She's been a lightning rod for you since we found out about the Nuwa... It's cute to see you excited about something.
...Reincarnation? Like, the Buddhist believe?
[ I mean, technically Greek and Roman myths did it, but #religion ]
...I wouldn't want Luke to be gone, I like Luke. I don't know if I would like this new person.
...No, it wasn't - no. Please don't blame them. There are so many different ways to process grief, I understand that now. I don't think... it was intentional.
[ She hopes. Even with their anger at Luke and Jason, Elizabeth was passive in their rant-filled conversation. She can't hold anything against them - they were all victims but... there was a distinct line that sticks out:
"why the FUCK was elizabeth the only one who got ANY FUCKING SYMPATHY"
How does that make her feel? Horrible. ]
I just can not relate to them... it was clear after that time and I don't know.
...I don't know.
no subject
I…yeah. She's…very important to me. Like a little sister or a daughter or…something, I can't explain it very well. But Annabeth saved me and saved Olympus and if I can have more time to talk to her as myself instead of Kronos then I want to take it. I promised her that we'd be a family and I fucked that up. I want to make sure she's all right and that she'll be all right without me, wherever I go. You'd like her, I think. Very smart, very capable…she'd like you, too.
Sure, if you want to simplify it like that. In our world, when all souls die they go to the Underworld and they wait to be sorted. One of the places they can be sorted into is Elysium…it's reserved for good people, heroes and people like them. If you get into Elysium, you get the option to be reborn. If you live three lives and get into Elysium all three times, you can gain entrance to the Isles of Blest which is the ultimate paradise for the dead. Annabeth told me before I died that I would go to Elysium because I did the right thing in the end. I wasn't sure I believed her, so…I tried to make everything I did here count. I told her I was going to try for rebirth. At the time I believed it, too.
That's the risk with starting over or going backwards, I think. You never know if you're going to like the person after that. For a while, I always assumed that was the only option. Go home and be someone else, or just stay dead. Elysium's supposedly pretty good…but I think I'd get bored there. Being here though I think I finally found a third option. I don't think I've wanted anything quite so badly in a long time.
Anyway…I'm not blaming anybody but even if you lash out at people in grief it's still worth an apology. I have my own apologies to make to people, but…as an expert in grief? That's usually intentional to some extent. Some people…when they're really hurt, they feel better hurting everybody else. That's what I did. That was WRONG, but that's what happened.
…I told you about her once briefly, this girl I met when I was about 12. Thalia. She was my best friend and I--anyway it doesn't matter, the thing I never told you is that she's a half-blood, too. She died when I was 14, only she never really quite died. She sacrificed herself to save me and Annabeth and our friend Grover and her dad took pity on her and bound her soul to a tree. She was revived several years later, like six years later…and I thought that she'd want to be on my side, you know? I thought she'd join me in overthrowing the gods, sympathize with me, just like old times. That wasn't true. Actually, she fought me and accidentally kicked me off a cliff. I should have died but Kronos wasn't having that.
Anyway…my point is that Thalia received all kinds of sympathy from campers and I didn't because of the way I went about things. I was angry for a while but that didn't mean I was going to take it out on her. It had nothing to do with Thalia not relating and all to do with me being a jackass. So…I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I can understand grief just fine, but that doesn't mean they're just as equally justified.
Have you told anybody else but me? I'm not that great at this.
no subject
But... Luke, he was trying to redeem himself, she thinks. Trying so desperately to work through his own issues and care for others. Elizabeth appreciate that and even in death, she gravitates to him. ]
I think you're doing a good job.
Being an optimist and trying to do better.
:)
I think your friends would be happy for you... I can't fathom the twists and weaves in your story - from epic retellings or other such, but... I like this Luke.
[ But, she has to get to the point. ]
No. I haven't told anyone. It happened not too long ago and... and I don't blame them. I know they were violated and hurt as much as me. They recall being a monster as me and... it just makes me wish that I could do more. Or go away,if that makes sense? It's the same after I was revived - how I hated seeing the bitterness in Clover's eyes and the fear in others. A freak, but I suppose I always have been.
...There's a lot that I do not know in this world, but I want everyone to return safe. My tower... that was the only time I was promised sanctuary...
SLAMS BACK HERE SO LATE :|
...but thank you. I just have to hope that maybe that's true. It's not like I can ask them, you know? Well maybe Annabeth if I really get to see her, but Annabeth's...complicated.
Elizabeth. [If this were in person, there'd be an exasperated sigh.] The thing about people is that fear is fed by other people's fear. I'm not saying that all you have to do is be kind and everything goes away. That's never true. People will always have an opinion but at the same time you have me and you have Jason and you have others that know better. Again, I know that's not enough but...I guess what I'm trying to say is that from one freak to another you eventually will find more people that'll accept everything. That's what the Pygmalion was for me. After this, there might be a place for you, too. That's why we gotta keep going.
As for your tower? Pretty sure that was the only time you were promised sanctuary because nobody ever gave you another route. It's just another way to control you. Ridiculous.